Pregnant with baby number two & difficult emotions

It’s soooo strange sat here writing this blog post! I’m not really sure what to say.

I filmed a video which I posted on Facebook yesterday, so I suggest you watch that first here:

Soooo… yep! I’m pregnant!

I’m pregnant! I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby number two. The due date is May 5th.

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster so far.

Deciding to have another was a quick decision and we were lucky enough to conceive within the first 2 cycles of trying. So really, it happened before I had time to properly process that we were going to have another baby!

A few days after ovulation I had a feeling I was pregnant. A few days after that, I took an ovulation stick test. I’d taken these before in my pregnancy with Eric, as they can pick up HCG levels like a pregnancy test can. I obviously wasn’t ovulating anymore… and there was a faint line. I was sooo shocked though because, well, you just are when you find out you’re pregnant! Haha. I knew I was but there was still the doubt of “it could be wrong!’. A few days after this, so about a week before my period was due I took a sainsburys own brand test with first morning urine… and there’s no doubt about it: there was a line!!

I had mixed emotions… glad that it was “officially” confirmed but then the panic and anxiety set in. I wondered if we had made the right decision but realised it was too late by that time to change our minds, either way!

Since then… time has flown, really. It’s so strange being pregnant this time because I simply don’t have time to sit and think about it, like I did with my pregnancy last time. I feel guilty sometimes that this pregnancy won’t get as much time in that respect, and have already worried about how I’m going to bond with this baby.

My symptoms have been completely different to my pregnancy with Eric. To be honest, this whole pregnancy so far has been completely different… everything about it. Emotionally, physically, just everything. Conceiving Eric was after a loss and we were so desperate to be pregnant. We were overwhelmed with relief once I got pregnant and couldn’t wait to tell everyone. We told family before the 12 week scan and never stopped talking about it.

This time I’ve felt a lot more private about the pregnancy and found it hard to talk about.

The usual time to tell everyone, family, friends, etc., is after the 12 week scan. But our 12 week scan was only 2 days before Eric’s third birthday. I really didn’t want his birthday to become all about the baby and not about his birthday at all, and I also didn’t feel ready for the whole celebration of it, the attention and congratulations when I was feeling pretty down about everything.

It’s hard to admit because I don’t want to seem ungrateful about being pregnant. That’s exactly what it’s been like: going back and forward between feeling happy then guilty then guilty about how I feel and lack of how I feel; just a constant circle.

I had so many feelings about this pregnancy and telling people in general that I just couldn’t and didn’t want to. I was scared, because I was reliving what happened with Eric when he was born. I’m so scared about going back through it all and getting pregnant was like the wake up call to it all.

I was also feeling guilty about not wanting to tell people. It’s hard to explain but I just felt like I couldn’t win either way… damned if I do and damned if I don’t. The last thing I wanted to do was spend early pregnancy worrying about other peoples feelings because of when we chose to announce it. Because, really, it is about us and our decision; no one else’s.

Eventually I realised that yes it is completely fine to decide when to tell everyone, even family, and I shouldn’t feel bad about that.

Once I accepted this and Ollie was on board with it, too, I felt much better and was able to start dealing with how I felt. I really needed that weight to be taken off my shoulders.

I was happy about being pregnant, of course I was. We had created a new life and our family has grown already… having a child and seeing Eric now at 3 years old is the best thing ever, so I’m excited to do it all again.

But also, I’m feeling guilty, scared, nervous and in doubt. And very upset about what happened with Eric before. It feels like I’m going back into the same thing again and being pregnant after a bad experience, with birth trauma, is a slap in the face to deal with it. I really couldn’t deal with people talking about what happened last time or even mentioning the birth or asking questions about it. I still can’t and really hope no one asks me.

I haven’t been able to speak to any professionals about how I’m feeling yet, besides a mention about it to the consultant doctor I am seeing. I’m under consultancy led care this time instead of midwifery care because of what happened last time. That already made made feel so so scared because having to go back to that hospital where Eric was born, and where I nearly died was horrible. They have referred me over to the mental health team but I haven’t been able to go yet and had to reschedule my first appointment.

I’ll be writing a proper first pregnancy post up coming soon which will talk about my symptoms in the first trimester, and now the second trimester, breastfeeding during pregnancy, my feelings and things in general.

With that, I’ll end it here so this post doesn’t get very long!

Thank you for reading and I’m very excited to be sharing this, even if it does sound a little depressing. Please watch the video if you haven’t already. Thank you so much for all the comments, messages and support I’ve received so far. It really means a lot to me and has already given me so much encouragement.

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